BREAKING: Cell Phones Do Not Exist

Phones Don't Exist -
Gary Estevez, 28, doesn't recognize the small piece of fabricated plastic and glass in his hand.

In a release made by the Department of Consumer Technology, it was revealed today that cell phones do not actually exist. The announcement comes as a shock to Americans everywhere, particularly owners of cell phones.

88% of Americans use cell phones and reportedly over 4 billion people use cell phones worldwide. However, the statement released by the DCT details that “handheld devices, including Blackberries, iPhones, Androids, and all other handheld cell phone devices do not, and have not ever existed.”

“I felt jerked around when the DCT announced that my phone didn’t exist anymore,” said Jerry Billiard, a Billingsberg, Oklahoma resident . “I had pictures of my daughter on that thing.”

Indeed, Americans everywhere suddenly found themselves unable to call people while on the go, navigate while on the road, or distract themselves from loved ones.

“I was going to look up information about my doctor so that I could get this lump on my back checked, but now I’m not sure how I would do that,” said Kayla Hewitt, 26. The cell phone in her hand was turned off and at her side, as if she wasn’t even aware that she was holding it.

As soon as the news broke, researchers and technology giants around the globe immediately went to work, racing to be the first one to invent and patent the first cell phone.

Trash bins around the country are now filling up with these small, electronic rectangles, but we can’t for the life of us remember what they were called.

Although the widespread confusion among most Americans persisted for a few hours, they eventually moved on.