STUDY: Most Birds Are Flightless

Yellow tail Blackface
The above bird, a Yellowtailed Blackface, is not flying because it cannot fly

A study published yesterday in Bird Facts Quarterly confirmed what some Americans have theorized for generations: Most birds cannot actually fly.

The study’s hypothesis centers on the fact that while some birds can definitely be seen flying in the sky, a far greater number are often seen not flying.

“If they could fly, they would be flying,” said head researcher on the study, Aaron Whitmore.

Indeed, many Americans are beginning to realize the truth, a truth that runs in opposition to the image of the flying bird perpetrated by films, TV, and the media in general.

“I sometimes see those black ones flying around,” said study commissioner Bob Reif, 48. “Those ones are crows. Then seagulls fly over the ocean. That’s about it.”

Reif, who lives in a very specific seaside area with mostly crows and seagulls, had a difficult time finding researchers that would support his views.

“Some people just weren’t very supportive, and that hurt,” said Reif. “As an American, I have the right to believe what I want.”

According to Reif, he commissioned over 40 different studies before he came across the independent researching group that produced the results he wanted.

“They just got it,” said Reif.

According to Whitmore, it all came down to the way in which the study was conducted.

“By creating an environment that produced the desired results, we were able to definitively conclude that most birds cannot fly,” said Whitmore, though he promptly left the interview immediately after making that statement.

Bird Facts Quarterly is managed by a public collective of bird enthusiasts, but owned by BRE INC., a conglomerate that specializes in bird-related entertainment. Reif is reported to have once held over 51% of the company, which he has since sold since retiring to the coast in 2007.

The public at large has expressed confusion over the claim, though they have found it particularly difficult to disprove. When Pro-Flight groups cite birds flying through the sky as proof of their perspective, Anti-Flighters respond in kind with their argument that “that’s just one of the ones that can fly.”

Over 1,000 counter-studies have been produced to refute the study, but Reif and his base of followers believe that they are the ones that got it right.