STATEMENT: Addicts Know What’s Best For Their Own Bodies

According to a statement released today by the Department of Health Services, drug addicts “don’t need any more help and can make their own decisions.” The report went on to say that they were “adults who know what they’re doing for crying out loud.”

The statement was not in response to an inquiry. Rather, the Department chose to release the entire statement on Twitter at 2:33 in the morning, Eastern Standard Time.

“First of all, I’m a grown-ass adult, okay?” began the statement.

“Second, it’s up to me to make the decisions concerning my own body,” continued the statement.