BREAKING: Water Not Wet

Water is Not Wet -
Above: Water, not being wet

Although the wetness of water has not entered the sphere of public debate in quite some time, a recent discovery made by a Coudersport, PA resident has experts confounded.

“Water makes things wet, but that don’t make it wet,” said Terry Gamble, 55, in a post on Facebook yesterday. The post was liked by six people.

Earlier this morning, Yale thinktank researchers brought Gamble by their campus facility to consult him on his discovery. Once briefed on the molecular structure of water, one oxygen atom bonded with two hydrogen atoms, Gamble doubled down on his hypothesis.

“That just makes me more sure,” said Gamble. “Oxygen is pretty dry.”

Lead researcher Harold Franken was fascinated by the revelation, which Gamble reiterated five minutes into an explanation that things are generally wet due to the presence of water.

When asked how things that are exposed to water could feel wet if water is not wet in itself, Gamble had a prepared counter argument. “Things that are really cold sometimes feel wet, but that doesn’t make them wet,” said Gamble.

Franken’s team, plagued by PR issues and a lack of funding for the past several years, concluded that they may need to go back to the drawing board on the wetness of water and potentially bring Gamble in as an advisor.

“We had just never thought about it like that before,” said Franken.

At press time, Franken had yet to announce which post on his team that Gamble will fill. Gamble’s connections with the Proctor & Gamble family fortune is reported to not have factored into the hiring decision.

“It’s this kind of fresh thinking that the scientific community needs,” said Franken.