BREAKING: “Elementary School Is A Myth” Declares Committee

Elementary School Is A Myth
Above: A recreation of what many believe "elementary schools" would look like if they were real

In a shocking report released by a special investigative committee earlier this week, it has been revealed that elementary school, defined here as an institution that teaches children from kindergarten through sixth grade, does not actually exist.

“Think about it,” said committee chairman Dan Porovich (R), three time former congressman for Mississippi’s third district and recent Department of Education appointee. “Do you really remember anything about going to school during that time in your life?” The answer, according to the committee’s fourteen page report, is a resounding ‘no’.

The committee, made up entirely of former congressmen and powerful business magnates, sought proof of the existence of children’s public education in order to justify continued funding. “We were not able, as such, to construct a compelling argument for continually funding our nation’s make-believe elementary myth,” said co-chair Millard Cormorant, owner and CEO of the Texas-based Paragon Oil empire.

“Of the eight members of our committee, not a single one could speak to the veracity of claims by so-called ‘experts’ that public elementary education is of ‘vital importance’ to our country’s well-being, or that it is in fact real in any sense,” opined Davis McCormick, author of four lauded volumes on the history of freshwater yachting. “We received our education at home and through faith-based private schooling, as God intended, and we have no reason to believe the same is not true of all American children.”

“Elementary school is a popular culture fabrication,” stated Betsy DeVos, the Trump administration’s pick for Education Secretary, in a series of Tweets this morning. “Its [sic] a product of film and television which unfortunately has made it’ss [sic] way into our cultural zeitghost [sic].”

Though the report has generated some controversy in political circles, particularly among members of the House Committee on Education and the Workforce, it appears that the findings are being taken in good faith by the Trump administration, which signaled its (apparent) approval with a cryptic series of emoji following the report’s publication: a smiley face, followed by a thumbs up, followed by three American flags.

A befuddled spokesperson for the American Federation of Teachers, when asked to comment on the committee’s report, could only blink repeatedly and cradle his forehead in his palm, shaking.